Mirror Neurons IV: Manners

Please, Thank you, I’m sorry . . . these conventional phrases help us to lubricate the sticking points in relationship. When we want something, we ask nicely. When we receive something, we express gratitude. And when we have transgressed, in however minor a way, we apologize.

As we grow up, these words begin to elicit in us a kind of Pavlovian response. Just as the dog had learned to associate the sound of the bell with food, we learn to associate these words with meanings. When we hear Please we automatically know that something is going to be required of us. Thank you means that our contribution is being acknowledged. I’m sorry is either an expression of compassion or responsibility, or both.

Pavlov’s dog probably had no ambivalence about the food he was salivating about. But please, thank you - and especially, I’m sorry - are rarely experienced with such a simple emotion. These words are meant to be social lubricants, but unfortunately, the sticking point often becomes associated with the meaning of the word itself. 

We now know that a child’s mirror neurons will pick up on our own emotional signals. “Say please and thank you” sometimes has a karma-free delivery, as in “Pass the butter, please.” But when we want a child to apologize, we believe that they have done something wrong, and we usually feel some sense of judgment about that. And as I pointed out in the last post, whatever our negative emotions are, however “minor” – those are what the children’s mirror neurons will be tracking.

Timing is Everything. In Mirror Neurons III: Empathy, I told a story about a little girl who knocked over a smaller child in a music class. Her mother explained to her that she had hurt the smaller child, who was now feeling bad, and that she needed to say that she was sorry. The little girl decided to obey her mother’s request and apologize to the smaller child, and the two approached the little boy and his mother.

But children are much better at letting go than adults are. The toddler had been comforted, had forgotten the insult, and was now happily playing. As soon as the apology came through, it reminded him of the trauma. Of course, he began crying again, and this time, it took much longer for him to stop.

Was the mother teaching her daughter to be empathic? I think not. Mirror neurons register what is happening in the now. The mother was running on an old program labeled “Manners/Apology” which may have been relevant a few minutes ago, but which clearly was not useful in the present. If the mother had truly been empathic with the younger child, she would have left well enough alone.

But then, wouldn’t her daughter have learned that is was “all right” to push someone down, and do nothing about it? How would her daughter learn her manners, to say “I’m sorry” at the appropriate times?

But what did the girl learn from her experience?  If we stand in her shoes, we might be experiencing something like this:

I’m in trouble. Mom says it’s my fault that Johnny is crying. She says I need to say I’m sorry. She’ll be mad if I don’t. But Johnny isn’t crying. But I say I’m sorry anyway. Uh oh, Johnny’s crying again. I’m in trouble.

What did that girl learn about apologizing? How likely is she volunteer the words, “I’m sorry,” again? Has she learned to trust herself, and her mother’s guidance? Or has she learned that even when she follows directions, nothing turns out right?

Just Spell My Name Right. When I related this to a friend, she told me her own story. “Josie pushed Amy off the curb. I said, ‘Oh, are you all right?’ I helped pick Amy up and brush her off. Later, Amy’s mom called me on the phone, furious because I had not made Josie apologize. It was a rift between us for years.”

But why was the mother so angry? Did her daughter need justice, or comfort? And was my friend teaching her daughter that it was all right to push other kids into the street? Not really. The girl’s mirror neurons would have been tracking how her mother ministered to her friend. Compassion is what she was learning.

“I didn’t pay any attention to Josie at all,” said my friend. “Why should she get attention for doing something I didn’t want her to do?”

For a child, any attention is better than no attention. As PT Barnum said, “I don’t care what you say about me - just spell my name right.”

Apology Allergies and Addictions. Have you ever noticed how many people are allergic to apologizing? They seem to feel that saying “I’m sorry” is an admission of guilt. And who wants to feel bad about themselves?

Then there are the people who say I’m sorry all the time, even when it is not appropriate. “If I say I’m sorry now,” the unconscious reasoning may go, “I won’t have to hear them go on and on about how bad I am.” For these people, I’m sorry is used like a magic phrase to ward off disapproval.

Children need to learn manners – to say please and thank you and I’m sorry at the appropriate times. But “appropriate”is the key word here. Children’s mirror neurons track everything, beginning with the strongest emotion they feel coming at them.

So before we say, I’m sorry, let’s take a moment to empathize. If we are wrong, let us first accept responsibility. Let the compassion show in our voices and our body language. That way,our children will begin to learn what an apology really means. As PT Barnum says, spell it right!